I am aware that most of the readers of this blog have followed me from angelicscalliwags and already know about my lifetime struggles with my weight.
I have, after all, vomited most of my feelings out in multiple posts over the years.
It’s a funny thing, weight. Often an outward expression of something that is going on inside, it also carries with it the onus of social expectations and norms.
Next year I turn fifty. I like being this age. There is much to be said about the settling into oneself which comes with the wisdom of getting old! I no longer look at myself, repulsed that such a creature could exist on this earth and ever wondering at the sheer audacity I had in marrying someone as wonderful as Gary.
You see, I did not feel worthy.
As I’ve got older, I’ve realised my worth is so much deeper than skin deep. Gary has never made me feel anything but beautiful. He puts it so well though when he says that when he looks at me he sees all our past (the intensely happy moments as well as the poignant struggles), enjoys all our present and looks forward to all our future together.
I am so much more than the weight of my thighs.
I know that now. And with this comes a certain Peace. Which really, is very very nice.
However, there is still a struggle which goes on inside me everyday. As I say, weight is often a reflection of what is going on inside oneself.
While I no longer see ugliness, I am still aware that there is a brokenness in me. And, if you’ve been reading angelicscalliwags over the years you’ll know, I’ve spent much time and effort trying to heal this brokenness.
Last September I began Noom. Noom is a weight-loss program which focuses on the psychology of weight-loss rather than the food.
It has been incredibly eye opening for me, and is the first weight-loss program which has ever made sense. The fact I am still using it seven months later is testament to this. About three weeks is my usual sticking time for anything weight related.
Because, for me, my weight has very little to do with actual food.
Going through the menopause probably makes this the hardest time in my life to lose weight, and yet slowly slowly it is coming off.
It is almost irrelevant that I have lost 18Ibs so far, because it is not really the weight-loss that is mattering to me now. Understanding the brokenness and fixing it is a prize worth far more.
These days, I am standing a little taller, have branched out into wearing the odd bit of colour here and there, have my nails done every month (!), have started looking after other aspects of my well-being (skin care for example) and am even thinking about having my hair cut at an actual hairdressers for the first time in too many years.
In short…I am becoming vain!
I have got to a place in my life and my thinking which blows me away. In my wildest dreams I never thought I would feel this confident, energised and up for anything!
Each week I try to do something which challenges me and builds courage.
And each week I feel just a little bit more courageous, a little bit more confident and a little bit less invisible.
My devotions yesterday spoke of the transforming power of Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.” As I read I realised that this transforming power doesn’t happen overnight. There have been many steps in the process of seeing myself as Christ sees me (and how He sees all of us). Each step was crucial in its own right and each step taught me something important.
I love that no matter how old we are (or how young!), how world weary we are or even how far down one path we go, God is still there, quietly getting on with the job of refining us and helping us to be everything he created us to be.
Well, I’m off to walk the dog! Have a blessed day everyone, filled with love, courage and much self-appreciation!!
What do you do to look after yourself? Please do share because having not done anything for almost fifty years, I am suddenly very interested in all things health and beauty related!