You may (or may not) have noticed a ‘Seasons of Joy‘ page at the top of my blog. If you’d clicked on it, you would have also noticed that there were no posts. That would be because I haven’t written any yet.
The operation I had back in November was of the Gynae kind and it has had a big effect on my emotions. Before the operation, I could not have any more children. This was a hard thing for me to come to terms with. I adore being a mum and I would have loved to have had a few more! Now (post operation) I really can’t have any children and, bizarrely, it has hit me again. I have shed many tears over the past couple of months and held my children just that little bit closer.
It is this mourning (for there is no other word I can use to describe the feelings) which has brought about some reflection. Whilst I have no choice concerning my feelings I do have a choice in how I deal with them. I am always telling my children that they can choose to let their feelings take them over or they can choose more constructive actions. I can’t do anything about the barrenness but I can make a few changes in my life that will celebrate the life I lead just as it is. Obviously this includes making sure every moment I have left with the children I do have counts and is made beautiful, but I think I try to do that anyway.
If I could just be a little inward thinking for a minute? – It has occurred to me that I am primarily a mother and wife. I know I am blessed to the hilt in these areas. I have an incredible marriage and enjoy parenting my gorgeous five children more than I can express. However, looming in the not so distant future resides a life in which my children are grown and have lives of their own. And whilst this is what I want for them, it doesn’t fill me with the type of joyful anticipation the birth of a child does.
Where is this going? A friend, whilst I was all but crying on her shoulder, gently reminded me that life is full of seasons and it was our job to make sure we enjoyed each to its fullest capacity. Seasons of Joy was born. This blog has always been a blog of my own precious memories. It was primarily began because I wanted my children to remember their childhood and know without a shadow of a doubt how loved they were, should the cancer return. As the fear of dying has receded somewhat, my blog is more about schooling than anything else. I have kept the Precious Moments posts which come out each Friday and records all our special moments during the week, but the rest contain school related bits and pieces.
In this coming year I want to explore the non- homeschool version of me. Narcissistic, I know, but one day I won’t need to home school because my children will have grown up and flown the nest. There are so many more things I enjoy which have taken a back seat to schooling. I used to sew, a lot , and create my own cards, sometimes from paper I made myself. I read, even more than I sewed, a huge variety of books of the non home school variety. And I crafted at every opportunity. It is only fair I point out that I have never done any of these things terribly well but I did them. They were a part of what made up me.
Home schooling is a huge blessing in our lives. Being a mummy is a huge blessing in my life. And I enjoy being a wife to Gary hugely. But, if I am to look forward to the future rather than dread the day I have no children to spend my days with, I need to put aside a little time developing or reigniting some of my former passions.
I am hopeful that these enjoyable moments will help me to look forward with joy to the next season in my life, whilst still taking the time to enjoy the present one. Seasons of Joy will contain all my personal projects large and small- from weight loss to home making; hospitality to frugal living; books I’m reading to recipes I’m trying. It will be a reflection of the person I am and the person I hope to become. And it will be a reminder to myself that I will not end the day the children leave home.
I understand that most of you read this blog primarily for the home schooling content and may find Seasons of Joy a little tedious. If so please do feel free to avoid Angelicscalliwags each Saturday. However, if you feel like coming along for the journey, I’d love to have you. Sometimes things are made all the sweeter for the people you meet along the way.
Praying for you Claire 🙂 And I don’t think this sounds like a tedious topic at all- I am looking forward to hearing about these posts, as perhaps they will encourage me to broaden my activities a bit too!
Thank you Qwen, it will be lovely to have you along.
Oh Claire, I´m so sorry. But if I would be married and if everything would go better and easier in my life, I would adopt a child to spread all my mother feelings and love on it. There are so many lost, unwanted babies in our society. I don´t know, if you can imagine to love an adoptive child like your own, but this would be my solution.
In every case it´s important to talk (write) about what affects you, more, it is a kind of healing process!
Wish you the very best for 2015!
Hi Karin,
We would love to adopt but in England your adopted child must have a room of their own. We squeeze ourselves into a large two bedroom cottage already and there is absolutely no more space for a bedroom anywhere (we are currently turning our hallway into a bedroom for our younger two).
I am sorry for this transition in your life. However, I couldn’t agree with you more on finding things that complete you beyond motherhood and marriage. I have felt the same way in recent months. I love being a mom ~ LOVE IT, but I feel like I don’t know what I am beyond that. Being a mom has been my primary job since the age of 17. Like you, I worry what I will do with myself once they have all flown the nest. This year we will be resting and healing, but I look forward to seeing what you are up to on Saturday posts. I need to be working on my horizons as well.
Blessings, Dawn
No-one deserves rest and healing more than you right now. I hope and pray this will be year of much joy for every member of your family.
Claire,
I look forward to these posts. I, too, used to do “other things” but they have been put to the side since I began homeschooling my grandkids. However, they are needing me a bit less and, after I have got a grip on my housework (I guess NEVER), I hope to return to quilting and scrapbooking. But, I would not trade the time I spend with my granddaughters for anything. So, no big loss.
Myra, from Winnipeg, Canada, where we got about 10+cm of snow overnight.
My guys are so jealous of your snow. We would love some but it is too warm at the moment (although to me it feels Baltic!)
Beautiful.
Thank you Tonyia
Claire, I understand the “no more children” part very, very well and am going through my own grieving process there. Big hugs to you.
I’ll look forward to seeing the non-mum side of your interests! Being a creative sort I’m sure you’ll have a lot of fun!
I’m sorry you are going through it too (big hugs back)
I will be here with bells on for this journey!
Oh, I am pleased Leah, thank you!
I look forward eagerly to every Saturday then (though I may not always read it on Saturday). I love seeing peeks into other people’s fun and habits, and you’ve described things I love to do as well.
If you lived nearby you could come round and teach me how these things ought to be done! I look forward to hopefully becoming more proficient in them.
I wish I had unlimited funding to just fly over there, because I would love to visit you and England.
It’s good to remember that we (or most of us) were once (pre-homeschooling) women with our own interests and lives. I look forward to reading your Saturday posts. 🙂
Thanks for the support Hwee.
Looking forward to Saturday’s!
I intend to include the wibbly wobbly updates so I’ll be keen to read your updates as well.
Thanks so much for this post; it really ministered to me and my season of life, too. My last, my 15 year old, is growing up so quickly and talks constantly about the military, so I already feel that sad wrenching, and am trying to prepare. Thank you!
Thank you Melody. It will be lovely to go through this with others who are experiencing the same or similar feelings. Welcome along!
Claire, this is such a beautiful post. Sharing such personal feelings can be very difficult, but I look at it as an opportunity to pray more specifically for you. If I hadn’t been 40 when our last child was born, I would have wanted more children, but God knows best.
I look forward to your new posts and seeing all your creativity come out in ways other than home schooling.
Take care and have a lovely week ahead.
Writing it was very cathartic, although I didn’t necessarily know it would be. Thank you for your prayers.xx
Claire, You never cease to amaze me with your ability to articulate(in print) where you are emotionally or otherwise. Some of us are not good at that. I so appreciate your transparency and willingness to take us with you on your journeys. I love everything about what you share on homeschool, and wibbly-wobbly weightloss. I am looking forward to this new experience.
I am a divorced mother of 3. One will graduate this year, and another will graduate next year. I cry when I spend too much time thinking about what it will be like when they aren’t here. Being mom is my life.
Maybe reading what you share will help me to find a balance somewhere.
I hope so Elizabeth. I’m finding it hard and my eldest is only 12 (very nearly 13), I’m going to be a wreck by the time they are graduating! I’m so pleased to be sharing with you. Maybe we can encourage each other in the tricky times ahead?
I too look very much forward to reading along as you “rediscover” yourself – it is such a pleasure to read all that you write – you are such a true, kind, funny person, and I’ve considered it a blessing to get to know you (if only through this blog) and your perspectives on anything. I can also relate quite keenly to how you feel and with P now 16 & L 12 going on 16 and much more inclined to spend time away from home with her friends I find myself struggling with a lot of time, yet little family time, and wondering where to find fulfillment. A season of joy – I will continue to remind myself of that.
I’m not sure how I missed this comment, but I did! Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel the way about you and your blog.xxx